Homeschooling with a High Needs Baby
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Five months ago, we welcomed our newest addition to the family—this beautiful, blond-headed little boy, who we named Augustin (Gus for short). Before he was born, I spent a lot of time imagining what life with a third little one would look like—and particularly, what our homeschool would look like. I Googled like a fiend, searching “homeschooling with a baby” over and over to find the best advice from other moms. Most of what I found was optimistic and reassuring. “Babies sleep a lot!” other homeschooling moms insisted, “You can teach while he naps.” They suggested reading aloud while the baby nursed, or having him “do math” with the older kids from the safety of a bouncy seat.
Friends, not one of those Google searches prepared me for homeschooling with this baby.
On his second night in the hospital, Gus earned the nickname that has stuck with him ever since: Fussy Gussy. That night, he cried inconsolably for three hours while my husband and I tried every trick in the book to calm him. Sheepish and defeated, we even called the nurse to beg for help, although 30 seconds before she arrived, we finally got him to sleep. That scene has more or less repeated itself every night since.
So today, I’m writing this post to give you a glimpse into our everyday and what it looks like to homeschool with a high needs baby (more about that term in a second). Because this is our second time around with a high needs kiddo, I’ve developed some coping strategies that I hope will be helpful to anyone else in this same boat. If you’re there, at the very least, please know that you are not alone and that you have all of my sympathy! This is hard, but it will not be hard forever.
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What is a High Needs Baby?
So, what is a “high needs baby” anyways?
I first discovered this term when my oldest son was still a newborn. Scouring the Internet for reasons to explain why he was so intense and difficult to soothe, I happened across an article by Dr. Sears, who described this kind of child as one who required “just a little bit more.” He checked nearly all the boxes for what Dr. Sears calls a “high needs baby?” Demanding? Yes. Unpredictable? Yes. Awakens frequently? Yes, yes, yes. There are 9 more of those characteristics, and he fit every one. (And still does, as a fascinating and high needs six-year-old!).
Gus is also a high needs baby. He barely sleeps during the day and wakes 6-10 times/night. Most days of the week, cries for 1-2 hours in the evening—as if he had colic that he never outgrew. He spends a lot of the day fussing, unless he’s being distracted by me or his older brothers. He hates his car seat and stroller, so I spend much of the day carrying him. In many ways, he is a lot like my oldest. That said, one key difference is that some of his intensity owes to medical issues. We recently found out that he has at least one severe food allergy and multiple other intolerances, and those likely explain a good deal of his fussiness. We’re hoping that an elimination diet (on my part) will help him experience less pain and have better days and nights. Even so, while we wait it out, I’m relying on my past experience with a high needs baby to help us get through the rest of the school year.
Practical Ways to Cope with a High Needs Baby (While Homeschooling!)
Practice gentleness (with yourself and your baby).
For me, the greatest challenge of parenting high needs kids is accepting that they are fundamentally different from other children, and because of that, my parenting of them will look different as well.
This is not easy. When I hear about babies who sleep through the night at six weeks (or even six months!), I have to fight against jealousy and self-pity. When I visit a friend whose children play quietly and neatly while she does household chores, I have to fight the urge to compare my parenting to hers. When I am physically exhausted from carrying a 17-lb. baby for most of the day—after having woken with him six times the previous night—I have to resist anger and despair. It’s a daily battle.
In order to persevere in the challenges of raising these kids, I’ve found it helpful to remind myself of a few things (sometimes, I need to recite these mantras hourly!):
It is nobody’s “fault” that these kids are challenging—it’s just who they are.
My kids are not “doing this to me” and I am not their enemy. (This is one I like to use when I’ve woken up for the ninth time in one night!)
I am not failing as a parent because my kid is different.
It really does get easier (in some ways) as they get older.
And, because I’m a Christian, I rely upon the Lord to sustain and comfort me when I am beyond my emotional and physical limits—which, at this point, is most of the time. Because He is so gentle and good to me, I can strive to parent my children with empathy and kindness. The Lord does not condemn me when I can’t get this baby to sleep, or when I struggle to be cheerful with my other children because I am just.so.tired. Instead, He is with me (and you!) as a strength and ballast, lovingly urging me on. Because I know that, I can rely upon His strength and push on in the face of challenges.
Educate yourself about high needs kids.
Standard parenting advice often does not apply to these children—neither as babies or as older kids. However, I have found the following books—written by parents of other high needs kiddos—to be hugely encouraging (both practically and emotionally):
The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp—The 5 S’s that Karp outlines have been essential tools for helping us to soothe our very demanding babies. I swear by them.
Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka—This book is indispensable for parenting an intense, high needs toddler or preschooler. It helps you understand how their brains works and how you can give them the skills to handle frustration, transitions, and sensory challenges.
Different by Sally and Nathan Clarkson—Written by a “different” kid and his loving mom, this memoir is an encouragement to anyone who is in the trenches of parenting an “outside-the-box” kid. The two authors are honest about their struggles, but are also an incredible example of what it means to persevere in loving and meeting the needs of challenging kiddos.
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, PhD—I like to consider this a “follow-up” to Raising Your Spirited Child; it has great suggestions for helping your elementary-aged or older child grow in flexibility, adaptability, and self-control.
I have also found a lot of solidarity in online groups, particularly the Raising Poppies Facebook group started by Colleen Kessler and Caitlin Curley (whose blogs have also been very important resources for me as well!).
Make changes to make your life work—even if that means sacrificing some elements of your “ideal homeschool” or life.
One of the hardest parts of having a high needs baby is realizing that, in order to care for him/her well, other areas of your life may have to change. These babies actually require more from us as parents: more time spent soothing, more energy to carry baby for much of the day, more creativity to keep baby happy and entertained during waking hours. We moms may be superheroes, but we’re not limitless resources: if we want to care well for our babies, we’ll have to lower our standards in other areas of our lives.
I’m not talking here about “vacuum twice instead of three times a week”—I’m talking about major changes. Not every high needs baby will require this, of course, but some will. You might need to step away from the co-op that you hoped to join, extend your school year or do school on Saturdays, outsource your foreign language study, or resort to a super simple meal rotation in order to make your life work. Here’s a few changes we’ve had to make:
Dropped all kids’ activities except for our weekly Bible study. Before Gus was born, I had dreams of joining a Wild + Free group and continuing our regular morning playdates with friends. As it turns out, we’ve had to forgo both of those, as the morning is the only time that Gus has a guaranteed nap.
Adjusted household routines. Two things I’ve stopped doing: cooking with recipes and folding kids’ laundry. I’ve reduced my daily goals to the absolute basics—regular, boring meals and clean clothes—and anything else I accomplish is a major bonus.
Abandoned (some) habit training goals. This year, I had plans to teach my older boys new chores, but at this point, those plans are on hold. I don’t have the time to teach them or the emotional energy to enforce the new chores, so we’re just going to wait a while. The chores will still be there when Gus is a bit older!
Got childcare! Trying to teach math while bouncing a screamy baby on one knee was starting to drive me bonkers (and wasn’t helping my oldest concentrate on his work either!), so as of last week, I now have a mother’s helper coming three times a week to help with my younger two while we do seatwork. She is amazing and I am so, so grateful that we can do this. I did not want to need this kind of help, so at one point, I actually had to say to myself, “There’s no prize for homeschooling with the least amount of childcare possible.” If you think that you should be able to handle it all, all by yourself (but you’re struggling), maybe that’s something you need to hear too. There is no prize.
Put everything “extra” on hold. Before Gus was born, I stepped away from my leadership roles at our church and after his birth, I’ve also taken an (unplanned) step back from blogging (which you may have noticed). Not doing these things is very hard for me, since I really enjoy them, but it’s clear that I just don't have the time for them right now.
Due to all of these changes, our homeschool looks very different than how I had imagined it this year. However, I also know that these changes aren’t necessarily permanent—and we’ll settle into a new normal in a few months (or years..).
Don’t neglect your own well-being.
Let’s be honest: this is not the time to prioritize self-care. And it’s especially not time to pursue the kind of consumerist “self-care” that the world wants to sell you—expensive pedicures, “treat yo’ self” shopping sprees, etc.
However, it is wise to mind our own souls, especially as we are devoting so much attention to caring for another human being. I know that if I don’t take care of myself, I become prone to self-pity and resentment. Therefore, for me right now, self-care looks a lot like self-discipline. How so? Well, here are a few rules I’m using to help me remain sane amidst this chaos:
Reading, not scrolling. Like most people, I am prone to getting sucked down the social media rabbit hole, and that’s especially tempted when I’m spending hours a day trying to soothe a sad baby in the dark. So, to help me avoid temptation, I’ve replaced my phone with a Kindle and I spent all of my Christmas money on new books (mostly children’s classics) to read while I rock/bounce/shush.
No Instagram babies. When I do check in on social media, I remind myself that the Instagram baby is (in many cases) a marketing tool. Here in this house, there are no peacefully sleeping babies snuggled in their handwoven knits. There is no white furniture and there is no carefully decorated nursery. While there’s nothing wrong with those things at all, they’re not my reality, so I just scroll past the baby marketers to keep myself from comparison.
Crappy Bible reading. When Gus was born, I vowed to read through the entire Bible by his first birthday. Honestly, I don’t know now if I’m going to make that goal—but I press on. If I’m able to read even half of the Bible this year, I’ll count it good, since crappy Bible reading is still better than no Bible reading.
Savor the enjoyable moments. While it would be impossible to “enjoy every moment” of this experience, I am making a concerted effort to enjoy our best moments. I love when Gus grabs his toes as I’m getting him dressed in the morning, when we make googley eyes at each other while he’s nursing, and watching him laugh at the antics of his older brothers. I love smelling his warm and fuzzy little head, how his ears stick out just enough to make him look like a little elf, and how much he enjoys bath time. When these good moments come along throughout the day, I force myself to take note of them, draw them in, and use them to balance out the harder times. Even when it’s brutally hard, there is still much joy in having a baby in the house.
Do You Have Tips to Share?
So that’s all I’ve got. If you’ve homeschooled with a high needs baby before, do you have any more tips to share with me? I welcome your ideas for making it through this intense time!
*A message to Gus, for when he finds this on the Internet in 15 years: We love you so much and are overjoyed to have you in our family! You have been a hard baby, but we’re optimistic that you’ll be our easiest teenager.
